Mamahood Exposed: Hearts Outside Ourselves

This beautiful poetic piece from Melissa of Mama STYLE shows exactly the pain and joy all Mamas feel, all the time.
 
Mama hood…if there was ever a ‘hood I wanted to be in, it was
that one.  In the mama hood, with my
little bebe in one arm, and his/her daddy in the other.  We tried.  We were successful.  We grew
that baby from pea to pumpkin and when the clock struck 16:16 on December 21st,
2009 my little pea entered the whole and my heart shattered in a million
pieces. 
An emotional explosion occurred, and through my morphine
high, I tried to gather up the pieces of my heart: joy, worry, pain, pride,
hesitation…everything. I tried to stuff it all back in where it was safe…to
where I wouldn’t have to worry; to worry about this life…this sweet little soul
who was now mine forever.  As day grew
into night, and the hospital filled with dim grey light, and no one was around
but our little family, I knew it wasn’t possible. My heart would never, could
never, be the same.  My heart does not
beat for me anymore, it beats for him. 
At times the emotions were choking, I thought I was
prepared…I wasn’t.  I wanted more time,
I was overwhelmed.  Regretful that our
lives were now rushing on and slowing down wasn’t possible.  I wanted time to stand still…I pictured
myself in a room, frozen, with little balls floating around me, the pieces of
my shattered heart. I wanted so badly to capture them and make peace with every
one of them.  I wanted to make sure that
I was going to make this journey in the ‘hood. 
I wanted relief, safety, hope…it didn’t happen. Well, not all at
once.  Physically, I made it through;
while my vision clouded in an emotional fog. 
Slowly, while they didn’t make back into my heart, they exist along with
me, surrounding me, letting me know that things will be okay.  The jagged shock of it all slowly began grounding
down into softness, allowing me to breathe, to live and accept that I can, and
will, do this.  My life would never be
the same I can’t go back. I won’t go back. Our life, our future…now that the
fog has lifted; it’s bright and sunny out there.
Like two tectonic plates, my life was shifted.  It was sudden and I had no idea, zero
preparation for that emotional attack, and I know that I never, ever, want to
be in that state of mind again.  But as
I watch my sweet boy grow, I’m grateful for every tear that I spilled…every
question I had…grateful because without it all, I wouldn’t have him.  It was my path that led to a mountain and
I’m proud to be at the other side.

The quote isn’t the happiest…but it’s one of the
truest I’ve read.  “Through the
blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did –
that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions,
whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in
the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not
designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just
that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” (Debra
Ginsberg)

Are you a Mama with  a story to tell?  
Send in your submission to joanna.haughton@hotmail.com. 

Ride Your Wild Horses

Sweater – Gap
Top – hand me down
Hair Bow – Ruche
Tights & Earrings – F21
Shoes – Payless
Dress – Ruche *sold out* 
Get it at Threadcase in Red and at ShopSosie in Black.
Every time I wear a horse print, so really this dress because it’s the only horse print I own thus far, my mind starts playing U2’s “Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses.” It’s amazing how music, like scent, can just stay in your brain and spring to the forefront with just the right trigger.  It’s like a tangible road mark for memories and feelings.  Some music and some scents just take you to a different place and time… whether you want to go there or not.

True Story:
We’re all dressed for a walk and we turn to ask Baby if she wants to go.
*she usually loves to go* 
She grabs a book, sits down in a corner, and shakes her head, “No.”  
Then smiles a, “Nope, not happening” smile.
Got a mind of her own that one.

A Mess

Top – Wallis from The Bay
Jeans – Gap
Socks – CK
Shoes – Payless
Earrings – Threadsence
Since having a baby I’ve become a total wreck. Honestly, just ask Andrew.  We were watching an old episode of Numbers and it was about a little girl who’s kidnapped and held for ransom. Well, in the middle of the episode I started crying just thinking about the feeling of losing my baby or not being able to protect her.  I was crying so hard that Andrew had to stop the show and comfort me.   I wish I could say that this was a one time occurrence but it isn’t.  I’m just a mess!

p.s. I’d love it if you could take two minutes to vote for ModaMama here – no sign-ups or logins required.  Thank you so much!

True Story:  
Baby climbed into our laundry hamper, sat down and closed the lid on herself.  
Ok, sure.

Hidden Treasures

Sweater – Gap

Dress – c/o eShakti
Shoes -Locale
Tights – F21

Lately I find myself browsing Etsy more and more.  I’m longing for the handmade, the special, the unique and Etsy is where I can find it.  But even there a lot of the things look the same, or very similar, and I find myself once more trying to find the unique and the special amidst all these handmade pieces.  It sometimes feels overwhelming and I have to step away and withdraw from the on flux of materials and colors, but sometimes if I persevere I can find my way to gems like This Enchanted Pixie. I love this collection of handmade pieces – they’re full of whimsy and a free spirited feeling.  This necklace makes me think of walking on the beach on a cool day and hearing the waves crash, while this one makes me remember strolling down the side streets of Paris with a macaron in hand.  These treasures are why I always make my way back to Etsy, like a friend full of inspiration, it’s always there.

True Story:
Baby’s new favorite game?  
Putting dog food down the heating vent.  
Anytime we turn our backs or walk out of the room, there she is at it again. 
Poor Drake scratches at the vent.

Colors, Oh My!

Sweater – hand me down
Belt & Tights – F21
Dress – Ruche
Shoes – Payless
Bag – Aldo
Earrings – c/o  This Enchanted Pixie

I received these amazing earrings from This Enchanted Pixie along with a necklace and planned an outfit around both pieces *you’ll see that soon*, but they’re just so amazing that I couldn’t resist sneaking them into this outfit first.  I’m so glad I did!  Not only did I receive two compliments on them, but they feel so great on that I just felt like I had a little something extra, you know?  Personally, I think that these yellow ones are just too cute for words, so I suggest you grab them and rock them!

Bright colors are so hot for winter.  They’re no longer reserved just for Spring and Summer, and I’m so thankful because, as you can tell, I can’t resist a bold splash of color in the middle of a grey and cold February. I think what I like most about it is that it’s unexpected.  Not many expect to see such bright colors especially in downtown Toronto in a business district.  I know I turned a few heads because of that, but hopefully I brought at least a smile to one.

True Story:
Baby pulled out a bag of baby carrots from the fridge, and methodically bit into each and every one. 
Then handed each and every one to me.  
She expects them to be soft – like when cooked – and had a puzzled expression on her face as to why they were hard and crunchy.

Random Sundays: High Spirits

We’ve all got a bad case of the cold, but at least we’re in high spirits!
Happy Sunday.

Saturday Smiles: Ups And Downs

Can you tell I was very impressed with Husband’s witty banter?

Shirt – Esprit
Tank – Smart Set
Skirt – Zara
Booties – Ruche
Necklace – Mama’s Nest Designs
It’s been such an interesting week – ups, downs, and everything in between. Also, just a disclaimer, this outfit looked amazing in my head, not so much in the pictures when I saw them.  Oh well, can’t win ’em all!

Here’s what I’m thankful for:

1. The amazing necklace above from Mama’s Nest Designs. It’s super cute and it has a pearl on it for Baby’s birth month.  She loves it too.  We spent lots of time cuddling on the couch with her touching and playing with it. 
2. I came across a site where a blogger made a list of her favorite fashion/style blogs and I was so honored and amazed to find myself on that list!  Along with Kendi Everyday and Atlantic Pacific. Super cool!  Thanks!!  
3.  My healthy Baby girl – so many parents struggling with their child’s ailments makes me thankful that mine is just precocious, talkative, and active!

True Story:
We went grocery shopping with Baby and she ran around selecting things that we had to buy.  
Here’s her shopping list: 
Crackers, Sausage, and a Red Pepper.

Mamahood Exposed: Seeking Answers

When our children are aching we ache with them, and when they struggle we struggle with them.  Here’s one woman’s struggle.
Hi everyone!  I am so happy that Joanna asked me to be a part of her motherhood series here on ModaMama!  I love her blog, and I look forward to connecting to other mommy bloggers!

First, a quick introduction.My name is Lena and I blog over at Mom2MemphisAndRuby.  I am a mom of two, married to a great guy & living in a small farming community in Quebec, Canada.  Ruby is our spunky 4 year old drama queen, in a nutshell.  She takes ballet
& loves it!  She’s a bit of a diva, but is also very sweet
& quite artsy. And hilarious!  She comes out with the strangest things!  She loves sugar, the color pink and anything that sparkles…She is definitely a free-spirit and keeps us on
our toes!  My son Memphis is 6 years old, very bright, charming, funny… and has very recently been diagnosed with ADHD… this is where my journey through motherhood took a turn I hadn’t expected it to…
You see, Memphis is our first.  To us, he is {and always has been} perfect.  Sure, there were signs that he was a little “different” ever since he was a baby, but we chalked these up to being little “quirks” that were just part of his personality.
He was a very content baby & young child.  He rarely fussed or cried.  He could sit & stare at books for hours.  Very independent & well liked by other children.  He was always happy, gentle & well-mannered.
but
He has never been good at maintaining eye contact.  When he was younger, he was very “OCD-ish”… everything had it’s place. And although he has sort of outgrown this, routines are still very important to him.  Everything needs to feel like it his idea or done his way.  He’s not spoiled.  It’s hard to explain, but it’s like he can’t move forward until his has thought everything through.  Everything!  And then, only then, can he continue.
These “quirks”  were always “there.”  But he was thriving and functioning well.  We thought he was a very well adjusted little boy.
The winter he turned four is when things started to get a little “crazy” for us.  All of a sudden he was exhibiting aggressive behaviors with other children & staff at the daycare he has attended since he was barely 10 months old.
He was still acting mostly like his normal self at home, so to be honest, my husband and I thought there were factors at the daycare that were influencing his behavior.  We know that there was a little boy he didn’t get along with, part of us felt like he had been bullied (yes, at four!) and decided to put his foot down.  It wasn’t an excuse, we didn’t condone his behavior, but it was a way to explain what was happening.  We worked with the daycare very closely, we maintained very similar routines and discipline tactics and thinks were going better at daycare and we thought the worst was behind us.
Then last May, he snapped.
I can’t explain it any other way.  One day, something {I wish I could tell you what, but I still have no idea} upset him and he flew into a rage.  He was screaming horrible things, crying, throwing things, threatening to hurt us.  Nothing we could do or say would make him stop.  I broke down… he saw me crying and just cringed.  He started crying even more, apologizing, saying he didn’t know why he was feeling that way.  It broke our hearts.  It scared us since we’d never seen him that way before.

At this point, we knew something was wrong.  From that day on, things weren’t the same.  His moods could shift at any moment and go from 0 to 60 in a split second.  We tried identifying triggers, but it seemed impossible.  We noticed he became a lot more restless.  If he wasn’t focusing on something, then he was bouncing off the walls.
My husband & I were at the end of our ropes.  The feeling of not being able to help your kid is something that breaks your heart day after day.  I wasn’t sleeping, and my husband was heading towards a depression… I’m sure of it.  My friends & family were worried for us.  I was too worried about Memphis to think too much about how it was affecting me, and the rest of my family.  Happily, we have an amazing support system… they’ve got our backs.

Just before starting kindergarten this summer, we met with the school to explain what we were going through.  They were happy to have been given an advanced warning…and I’m so glad we had that meeting.
Since then, Memphis has had a lot of difficulties at school.  Academically, he’s thriving.  He really is a bit of a smarty pants.  We’ve called him our little professor and our human database for years!  But socially, he’s having a very hard time.  Again, if things don’t go “his way” he has a hard time functioning.  Noise seems to be a trigger as well… he has a lot of problems during recess and lunch hour in the cafeteria.

The teachers & aides are amazing.  The Principal has gone above & beyond to help him, to help us, and I’ll be forever grateful.  Even prior to his recent diagnosis (read about that here), an extra aide was hired to help him in class and a little room was built especially for him… a place to go & calm down before things get out of hand.
If you’re like me, you’ve probably Googled these symptoms & behaviours.  Aspergers, on the autism spectrum, is what jumps out at us the most…but maybe that’s not it.  We don’t know yet.
We have started Memphis on medication for the ADHD.  We had exhausted every other measure.  Having him home over the holidays has been a blessing.  We are monitoring his prescription and giving him the lowest dose possible that helps him focus, & function well during the day.

The hope is once the ADHD is under control, a complete psych evaluation can be done. {since the hyperactivity has subsided since he’s been on the meds, we’re noticing more extreme version of those little “quirks” he’s already had}  With all his “quirks” we are pretty sure there are underlying issues that need to be addressed.
I wish I could have fit our story into a simpler, shorter post… I thank you if you’ve made it this far.  It is a relief for me to be able to talk openly about our recent struggles with Memphis.  I have made friends with many women who have gone through similar situations with their children, and knowing that we’re not the first family to go through this provides tremendous comfort.

Being a mother is something I always wanted to be.  I never thought it would be this difficult this early on.  But I wouldn’t have it any other way… he is ours, and he is perfect.
We are happy, we are optimistic.  We are in a better place now since his diagnosis.  We look forward to a day when we have “all the answers” but until then we’ll take it one day at a time!
Thanks again, Joanna for inviting me to share my story on ModaMama.

Are you a Mama with a story to tell? 
Send in your submission to joanna.haughton@hotmail.com.

The Pendulum Swings

 

Sweater – hand me down
Belt & Tights – F21
Dress – Etsy
Shoes – Payless
I sometimes feel like a paradox, or maybe an oxymoron, if I can become a concept or a grammatical term instead of a person that is.  I strive for simplicity and complexity at the same time; for minimalism and shabby chic clutter.  In life surroundings, to design, to well everything, I seem to swing from moments of restraint to indulgence, thoughtful self-possession to emotional impulse.  My sartorial sense swings from the extremes of ruffles, lace, florals, and colors, to that of monochromatic minimalism.  I have yet to find the perfect balance that could define me. 
True Story:
Baby says with purpose, “A yaba gaba do do me goo.”
Husband says, “Now that, whatever she said, was a full sentence.”

I Tell Ya!

Sweater – Smart Set
Top – F21
Jeans – Gap
Boots – Locale
Necklace – Ruche
Ever have those days where you hate everything you put on?  I did.  So after over an hour of trying clothes on I finally settled on jeans and this sweater.  Then I felt really crappy ’cause I had wasted over an hour to put on what was essentially jeans and a top.  Needless to say I was not a happy camper.  This winter, combined with my mood have conspired to keep me in jeans and a sweater for far too long and I’m sick of it I tell ya!  Sick of it! 
True Story:
Baby washed her own hair. 
With the dog’s water bowl.
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